How To Ruin a Perfectly Good Monday in Ten Easy Steps

Step One:  Try to find an internet provider in central Florida that doesn't bait and switch on their website.  This will take several hours with the same result: you cannot have basic internet at a decent price without bundling services. Bundling used to be just for wrapping babies but now it isn't.  And you end up with a contract that is more complex than attempting to bring peace to the Middle East.

Step Two:  Try to set up online access to your dental insurance.  You will be told you do not exist.  When they finally find you, they cannot discuss your benefits with you but they will send a booklet that should arrive in a week to ten days.

Step Three:  Try to find a bank or credit union that does not punish you for letting them use your money to make money for their stockholders.  I know Occupy Wall Street is all over this but they are too busy protesting to help me find free checking in my new city.  Good luck to anyone in Florida  finding a bank/credit union that will cut you a money order or bank check for under a four dollar fee.

Step Four:  Try to get a check list and fact sheet from the exterminator and your landlord regarding precisely what you must do to prepare for your carriage house apartment to be tented and filled with poisonous gas for termite extermination. 

Step Five:  Try to find a trunk mount bike rack that will carry three bikes and fit a 2007 Ford Taurus. Despite what various websites tell you, the fine print says no.

Step Six:  Try to find bike racks that don't require an adapter to carry women's bikes.

Step Seven:  Try to find a place that sells and installs trailer hitches for a 2007 Ford Taurus for a hitch mount bike rack you have yet to find.

Step Eight:  Try to get a replacement title for your vehicle.  Florida charges $77.00, which is more than twice what Maine charges and fifteen times more than Texas.

Step Nine:  Check the pitiful remains of your 401(k) because misery loves company.

Step Ten:  Attempt steps one through nine without the aid of chocolate, wine or pizza.

(Caution:  do not bundle more than two of these steps at a time.)